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Coping with Custodial
Grandparenting Realities
With little college education and a lot of ambition, LaVon Carr was rapidly
moving herself up the corporate ladder when, in mid-2001, she was offered
her dream job. Unable to sleep at night, she spent hours in prayer and
believed that God was telling her to turn down the job offer.
"My sister-in-law and I had even laid hands on the work site and had prayed
diligently that God would give us jobs there, but when it seemed that He was
opening the door, I couldn't explain why I didn't have a peace," LaVon
recalls. Family and friends said she was crazy to pass up the job
opportunity of her lifetime.
A few months later in October, however, God's plan became clearer. God
opened the door wide for four of LaVon and Alan's grandchildren to come to
live with them permanently. The Weaver couple had been pursuing full custody
for a long time.
The grandchildren's parents were drug abusers in trouble with the law, and
the legal system had taken the four children away from them. In a period of
about two years, the eldest child, granddaughter Blair, had lived in four
different foster homes. Dennis, the youngest child, had lived in three
different foster homes, and the entire time, he and Blair had only short
visits with the other two siblings, Timmy and T.J., according to LaVon.
Picture Below: The frequent, bright
smile on grandson T.J.'s face reminds Alan Carr that he and his wife LaVon
made the right decision to become primary caregivers for four of their
grandchildren.
 "Each of the children knew the other foster children better than they knew
one another," LaVon says. "Dennis didn't realize that Blair, Timmy, and T.J.
were his siblings - you know, other kids who you normally live with in the
same household who are related - until they came to live with us."
LaVon and Alan had no idea of what to do, where to go, or who to talk to.
But God kept in them a deep desire to reunite the four grandchildren and
give them a stable family life. Then, He led them to Alabama Baptist
Children's Homes & Family Ministries.
"After hearing Ted Embry of the Children's Homes staff in Anniston speak at
our church, we contacted him," LaVon says. "He never gave up on us getting
the kids. He constantly prayed for and with us, talked us through each step
of the paperwork, and put us in contact with people God used to make things
happen.
When LaVon went to pick up Blair, Timmy, T.J., and Dennis for a weekend, DHR
told her that the children were hers and Alan's for good. "We walked out of
the DHR office with each child carrying what little he or she owned in half
a shoebox," LaVon says.
Living with the Carrs has done wonders for the grandchildren, Alan and LaVon
say. Blair, now 10, and Timmy, now 7, are academic honor students at school,
and Timmy and 5-year-old T.J. have discovered their athletic abilities in
baseball.
"We've led Blair and Timmy to the Lord, and Blair's been witnessing to T.J.,"
LaVon notes.
Raising four very needy grandchildren at one time, however, has not been
easy - the realities of custodial grandparenting quickly set in for the
Carrs. Assuming the parenting roles again changed everything for them:
finances, leisure, friendships, work, and even health.
A state of panic suddenly hit this young couple. Both in their 40s, Alan and
LaVon had been enjoying prosperous careers and five years of new-found
freedom as their birth children were grown and on their own. Everything had
now changed, and Alan and LaVon wondered if anything would ever be "normal"
again.
The year the Carrs got their grandchildren, Alan and LaVon went from going
out to eat every weekend to almost never seeing each other. Changes in
Alan's job and the decision to have LaVon at home as much as possible cut
their total gross income to about $30,000.
"We were on the verge of losing everything we had, and I don't know what we
would have done if the Children's Homes had not stepped in to provide
prayerful and emotional support, food, and financial help for child care so
I could get a part-time job," LaVon says. "Ted always asks me, 'Where are
you on your journey today?' I respond, 'Yeah, you're right! This is a
journey!"
Add to the new stress in the Carrs' lives their discoveries that three of
the grandchildren had been abused in foster care. Alan and LaVon were
overwhelmed. "We're the grandparents and we don't have grandparents to take
the kids to or to help us cope," LaVon says she would remind herself often.
"We went to see Rod Campbell, professional counselor with the Children's
Homes, just so we could have some sanity," she reports. "Sometimes I found
myself being mad, but not knowing what I was mad about."
 Rod encouraged the Carrs to intentionally plan date nights. He also helped
them to realize and accept support from their church, Westwood Baptist in
Alexandria, from family, and from friends.
Picture to Right: With help from the
Baptist Children's Homes, Alan and LaVon Carr have established a stable home
life for their four grandchildren who live with them: 10-year-old Blair,
7-year-old Timmy, 5-year-old T.J., and 4-year-old Dennis.
"I used to be really mad at the grandchildren's parents for the wrong
choices they made and how those choices have affected the children, Alan,
and me," LaVon acknowledges. "But God has changed my heart to have
compassion for them while practicing 'tough love.' Alan and I tell the
grandchildren that it's not their fault that they don't live with their
parents. We know that the children's parents love them and we assure the
kids of this frequently." |
